Oh, God. We wanted the jungle. And we got the jungle. Courtesy of the crazy Paul Griffin, a former Hell’s Angel and now practising chiropractor in Guyane. Who actually lives in the jungle. Yes, in a hammock. Cooks on an open fire. Bathes in the creek. Shoots ocelot. Eats snake. Has done for four years. And when we bumped into him in St Laurent, home of the infamous ‘bagne’ which locked up thousands of French convicts – and indeed guillotined them – he invited us to come and see his pad.

Well, it was amazing. He cooks fantastic roast potatoes (see evidence from picture), and delicious Surinamese casseroled water-buffalo. After lunch, we all went on a jungle walk around some of his own jungle. “Don’t stop, touch any trees, or go near any ants” were his words as we set off. He was also taking his rifle with him, just in case. Left the kids mighty impressed. Sadly, while leaping over a fallen log in the rain forest we came across about 40,000 giant black ants.  They were not happy about the advent of family Millard-Clothier on their terrain, and promptly climbed up my trousers, Honey’s trousers and Gabriel’s trousers, where they then bit us. A lot.  Have you ever felt an ant bite? Its sort of like being pierced by a red-hot needle. In my case, it was on my arse.

Every0ne started YELLING. “I hate this jungle,” said Honey, who ended up with about 15 bites on her.  ”Get me back to Islington NOW!”

Meanwhile Lucien was quietly contemplating the entire panic-stricken occasion, which included interesting sights such as his mother ripping off her trousers, everyone else hopping up and down while his father calmly filmed the lot.  “I am CERTAINLY going to tell Nursery about this,” he commented drily while fording the local creek back to Paul’s jungle hut. Unforgettable.

Paul Griffin, who comes from Worcestershire but lives in the jungle, serving his speciality, roast potatoes