This man has a serious tropical illness brought on by leaves on the brain

Do you know what? I think La Reunion is probably the most gorgeous of all the French overseas Departements et Terretoires. Huge crashing waves, perfect weather, lagoons, coral, big splashy banana trees and dinky Creole houses in all sorts of beautiful colours. Hotels are heavenly, food is delish and there’s even a running track by the Indian Ocean just outside.

Which is just as well, frankly. Thanks to a thrifty living policy we have been focusing rather too much on baguettes and chips (cheap, you see) and now represent a flock of fat French chickens rather than a lean, trim travelling machine.

We plump lot have also become completely paranoid about ants, mosquitoes and hornets, having been bitten by all of the above in regular quantities. I actually PULLED the sting of one out of my leg the other day. Quelle courage! While Mr Millard has had his feet invaded by biting ants, but then it serves him right for wearing Crocs. Honey is currently asleep in her bed wearing long trousers, socks AND mosquito repellent.

Meanwhile we have had a variety of ludicrous health scares, the pinnacle of which was probably Honey being scanned at Noumea airport, New Caledonia, and declared a carrier of Swine Flu. Cue arrival of face masks and an appointment at a Quarantine Tent at the General Hospital. She left the airport covering her entire head in horror of recognition, somewhat like a young Elizabeth Taylor in a burkha. After a four-hour wait in boiling heat she was eventually found Not Guilty by an urbane French doctor, who talked about the National Health Service in tones of hushed awe, and let her off with a mere throat infection. And a £65.00 bill which he said I didn’t really need to pay.

Since then, aided by internet diagnosis of course,  we have had a rash of diseases in the Millard-Clothier camp. These include a  suspected outbreak of Dengue Fever (Mr Millard), lockjaw leading to Tetanus (moi), possible dysentry (Anonymous) and of course Sleeping Sickness. We are all exhausted! Don’t give me “what a wonderful holiday you must have had”; by 9.30pm every night the entire team of ardent travellers have had it.  

We need to come home for Rest and Relaxation. Honestly!